Branding Black: A Cultural Divide

Black people live by the curriculum of Lauryn Hill’s Miseducation, and pursue love as it relates to a Maxwell record. They tolerate Tyler Perry, but know that they can do better. They do not watch BET, and are sure to complain about VH-1’s Hip-Hop Honors. Aaron McGruder is their scholar of satire, and The Boondocks is a black pop-culture prerequisite.

If you’re black, educated and worthy of a platform these are the rules that you follow. Otherwise, join the rest of the coons at KFC –and don’t forget to leave your copy of The Coldest Winter Ever as you exit the elite.

Wait, what?

How Tacky of Me

To disappear for months (the first half of 2010 to be exact), then return w/ such a self-involved post. Below I've provided links to some of the more standout (as determined by: me) material from this blog's archives. Not necessarily because I like to look at myself, but because I like for other people to look at me.

Actually, this post functions more as a reference point. It's been more than a half-year since I committed any time to this blog, so I think a refresher course is due.

So whether you're new to my blog (keep coming!), or making a return (thanks!), these posts should sum up my blogging intentions fairly well:

First, I like Janet Jackson. A lot. But not enough to ignore her occasional shortcomings. But enough to insert a random picture of her to your right.

In my mind, Britney Spears is a study in commodification. I mean, a whole thesis statement. Abstract ready.

I'm fairly socially conscious. Actually, quite. But this isn't CNN. (Hey TJ!)

Tyler Perry does nothing for me.

Mariah Carey amuses me.

And nobody read this, so I'm trying to make it happen again. So fetch.

Ultimately, I'm back to blogging. And I apologize to my niche of readers that I left hanging. With no real excuse, I'll just say that life after college is a bitch. Don't graduate.

Expect regular posts from here until eternity. And don't forget -writers need validation. So comment!

Dear Mary J. Blige: You're Too Grown For This

It's not that I don't like to hear Mary J. Blige do uptempos, because I do. "Just Fine" still makes my treadmill mix, and "Enough Cryin'" was my favorite Breakthrough track for a bit. But this "Nothin on Me (The One)" is trying way too hard.

Mary has managed to transition from 20-something to near 40 in the music industry with ease. In fact, her fanbase has argubably grown over the past decade, as her last two albums have been among the most successful in her career. That's not easy, ask Janet and Mariah. So why is she backtracking with "The One?"

The Breakthrough and Growing Pains have been Mary's most realized records to date. While 411 and My Life were instant classics, Mary's never sounded as confident or capable as she has since 2006's Breakthrough. But "The One" wreaks of desperation. It has Love & Life written all over it, and y'all should remember how well that went.

"Them other girls you done been with, they ain't got nothing on me....Way I walk, way I talk. My swagger."

No, you're 36. Your "swagger" should speak for itself. And it does. Mary's easily one of the classiest chicks in the game. Save these lyrics for Keri Hilson.

And the Drake feature. I just don't get it. There's no reason for him to be on this track, other than his current commercial appeal. See: wreaks of desperation.

But everyone else seems to love it, so check it out for yourself. Leave a comment, let me know if I'm just misguided on this one.



Oh, but when Mary is still a movement by herself...it's fine.

What The Hell Happend to Lindsay Lohan's Career?

Damn, even a straight-to-dvd Mean Girls 2 would be a better look than this.

This is the Most Awkward Interview Ever

It really annoys me when people aren't prepared for work. It becomes so clear during the course of this interview that Barbara Walters and Joy Behar have no real idea who Keyshia Cole is. They could have at least taken the time to borrow Sherri Shepherd's first season dvds of The Way it Is, and play catch-up. Babs was so clueless that it's almost insulting.

And Keyshia needs more media training. "He told me I was beautiful," is not an appropriate response to "What kind of advice did Tupac give you?". You're on tv, sit up straight and act like you got some sense!

In other news, Whoopi Goldberg always looks like she's on her way to the church picnic, Elizabeth Hasselback continues to birth babies and make me wanna vomit, while Sherri Shepherd stays dipping into Star Jones' old wigs and weave bin.

The View Producers to Sherri Shepherd: "SHE had a law degree, YOU have one line in an episode of Friends, and a membership to Costco. Take this ponytail, and be out."

Was This At All Necessary?

Dora will be getting a To Catch a Predator sponsored makeover this fall, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. But on the plus side, looks like Nick Jr. finally realized that the bowl-cut bob is so 2007; and trading in strappy shoes for ballet flats....always a plus (or at least a lateral movement toward maturity?).

But I'm wondering how Dora's gonna go exploring w/o her over sized backpack? I smell an Hermes Birkin upgrade! (Swiper, no bootlegging)

Dear Sean John: Blow Me.

Shit like this is why my people can't get approved for mortgage loans. It makes no sense at all that this jacket would EVER cost anything close to $1000.00. And on sale for $539? No sir.

I could buy this same jacket...minus the actual leather...for $20 at Forever 21 (and don't act like you haven't tipped through their men's section looking for something similar to something else you couldn't afford at Express).

Oh, and be reminded that you're paying for Sean John tags, not Purple Labels. That's like taking the money that your mommy gave you for a Benz and buying a Pinto...cause the price was high, and you thought you were really doing something.

If you buy this jacket, you don't love yourself, and you don't love your country. Recession people!

Because People Keep Asking Me

• Approximately one in five high school girls has been physically or sexually abused by a dating partner.

• Dating violence among their peers is reported by 54% of high school students.

• Nearly 80% of girls who have been victims of physical abuse in their dating relationships continue to date the abuser.

*taken from chooserespect.org

I really don't recognize any real entertainment value to the reality of domestic abuse in our country, and really across the world. That's why I haven't commented on the Chris Brown/Rihanna situation. There are things in this world that surpass celebrity and fame, and when the seriousness of an ass whoppin becomes as casual as a Facebook status update, I find myself a bit worried about the consciousness of our generation.

I won't talk about what really matters in this situation, but I'd encourage you all to think about it.

That being said, Rihanna better hop her ass on Oprah and capitalize on this shit; cause that haircut is about to expire.

Remember Keyshia Cole's Awesome VIBE Cover?

Here's the flip side

FAIL

Who Told Brandy to Rock a Head Mic?

Love B-Rocka, but that choreography, paired with her tennis dress and KEDS...no ma'm

Notorious Lazy in Depiction of Lil' Kim

I finally had the chance to see Notorious this weekend, and while it's difficult for biopics to be surprising, I still found myself enjoying the film overall. The interesting thing about retelling someone's life, be in book or on film, is the fact that no matter how well you handle the material you'll always be hampered by a third-person handicap that inevitably makes the final product more of an interpretation and less of a reality. In that regard, I would argue that Notorious was lazy in its interpretation, as it offered plenty of material and very little depth. You don't leave Notorious with any new insight into Biggie than you would glean from a Wikipedia article, and that's a bit disappointing. But, that's not what this post is about.

Aside from Biggie's life on the street, and his eventual rap career, a majority of the story told in Notorious centers around his relationships with various women: from his mother and daughter, to Faith Evans and Lil' Kim. While Biggie is certainly depicted as the womanizer he has since been characterized as, via third-person commentary (Kim, Faith, Charli), we also see a side of him that harbored the utmost respect for his mother, and a desire for his daughter to avoid becoming the sort of woman that he was used to taking advantage of. In that regard, there is some diversity in Biggie's treatment of women throughout the film. But what stood out to me most wasn't Biggie's attitude toward women, but how the women in his life responded to that attitude: namely Lil' Kim.

In the weeks preceding the release of Notorious, Kim told various news sources how disappointed she was by her depiction in the film, saying “The film studio and producers involved were more concerned about painting me as a ‘character’ to create a more interesting story line instead of a person with talent, self-respect and who was able to achieve her own career success through hard work."

Based on viewing the film, there's a lot of merit to Kim's argument.

Before viewing the film, a number of people told me how excited they were to go see "Lil' Kim" act like a hoe. This didn't surprise me, as she's spent the better part of her career cultivating that same image for herself. While I'll certainly agree that there's nothing wrong with a woman openly engaging her sexuality, Lil' Kim does so with the explicit intent of engaging men and turning heads, which she would seem to do in an effort to garner commercial attention. That's not progressive, it's tacky. For that reason, I won't comment on the whole of Lil' Kim, but I will approach her depiction in Notorious.

I'll preface this by saying, I don't know Lil' Kim. My entire impression of her is shaped by public domain, and the Kim I'm commenting on in this blog is as seen on film.

That being said, I certainly don't think it's fair to characterize Lil' Kim as a hoe based on what we see in Notorious. Yes, Kim has sex with Biggie fairly soon after meeting him, and yes she spends more time in the movie taking her clothes off, or putting them back on than she does actually speaking, but all of that is subjective. Sexuality is not about appropriating one's behavior to suit social expectations, and in that regard Lil' Kim has as much right to fuck Biggie within five minutes of knowing him, as the next girl has to wait until marriage. Sexual exploits does not a hoe make, but rather loss of self-worth and respect. With that being said, the film doesn't take the time to consider Kim's worth from her perspective at all, so calling her a hoe based on what we're given is far from apt, and really just lazy.

Instead, I would argue that Kim is a sentimental character. She comes to Biggie looking for protection, and without her even asking, he promises it to her. We're led to believe that upon meeting Biggie, Kim is at a place in her life where she needs someone to lean on, and I don't feel like it's appropriate to fault her for falling for the dream he was selling. It doesn't seem like Kim is looking for a come up, or to take advantage of Biggie in any way. We're given the impression that she comes looking for affection; and when he makes it so readily available, why wouldn't she believe that it's genuine?

More than that, the film also suggests that Biggie more or less dropped Kim instantly for Faith, and that sudden lost of interest, paired with their continued sexual relationship makes it understandable that Kim would have some animosity toward Evans, and find it difficult to walk away from Biggie. Kim never justifies the title of home-wrecker in the film, as the tension Between her, Faith, and Biggie is more a product of his selfish behavior.

That's Lil' Kim as presented by the plot, but it's important to acknowledge what goes on between the lines, and perhaps that's what best supports Lil' Kim's argument about her negative depiction in the film.

It's a problem that we see Kim's breasts in the movie nearly an hour before we actually hear her name. If one were to view the movie without any prior knowledge of Biggie, and his life and legacy, it would be easy to assume that Kim was just some random girl from the hood for the first half of the film. It's more of a problem that the whole of Kim's identity is shaped in the single moment that sees Biggie telling her to trade in hardcore lyrics for explicit sex appeal, which changes her entire character angle in a single moment. Of all the women in Biggie's life, Kim is never given any agency, nor sense of self, so that in the end her character is flat and pitiful, and doesn't function as anything more than sexual gratification, both in plot and for the audience. Many will be quick to assert that this is an accurate portrayal, but it'd be remiss to suggest that even the most hapless of hoes doesn't have some sort of depth or personality.

I would argue that Kim's portrayal in the film is less of an insult to her, and more of a comment on how apt our society is to generalize individuals for the sake of comfort. I don't believe Notorious' filmmakers knew how to approach Lil' Kim's presence in Biggie's life, and instead of rising to a challenge, they fell back on public perception and speculation. And while I would argue that it was irresponsible for them to do so, audience anticipation and response to Kim's character suggest that they were only giving the fans what they wanted; which, to say the least, is really saddening.

I don't too much care for Lil' Kim, but I like to think that I respect women enough to acknowledge that her portrayal in Notorious isn't an insult to hoes, but instead a marginalization of feminine sexuality that ultimately harms the entire sex.

There's SO Much Wrong with This

"I'd rather have lots of breast milk, than a million melons!" LOL..I can't

If your child is old enough to say "breast-feeding," they don't need to be breast-feeding.

"I won't breastfeed forever...not when they go to college, or get married" But prom nite? It's going down.

They named their mom's boobs!

Kanye West and Brad Pitt Go Au Natural For "Vibe" and "W"

I guess it's becoming common practice in 2009 for male celebrities to expose all for popular magazines. First Brad Pitt hops on the cover of W looking like Benjamin Button at birth, and next month Kanye will forgo airbrushing (and blistex?) for Vibe.

Brad has managed to do a decade's worth of aging in just a year. I realize the man is 45, but damn...clearly Jennifer Aniston got his youth in the divorce settlement.

I'm also having trouble with Kanye looking nearly as aged as Pitt, despite the decade and some odd years separating them.

In other news, Kanye's kicking around the idea of releasing "RoboCop" as his next single, with "Bad News" also falling under consideration.

You know I'm team "spoiled little LA girl" all day!

This is Completely Random...

But, this is the cover to Britney's 1999 single, "Baby One More Time." It's a little weird, right?

I've always wondered what Britney's camp sought to accomplish with this picture, especially considering that by the time the single was released commercially it had already been a huge radio hit. That is to say, Britney was already well on her way toward becoming a household name, which to me makes this photo sort of an odd choice as her very first single cover. I'm all for the face shot (wait...), but there had to be some other motivation behind choosing this photo..because clearly it's not the best of Britney.

The messy bed-head and vulnerable look in Brit's eyes, paired with the suggestive tone of the title make me think that they were aiming to establish her jailbait potential from the start; Brit looks like a little girl in her momma's wig (assuming your mom is Courtney Love)..and maybe it's just the English major in me, but that has to symbolize something...vapid or insightful, but definitely profitable.

Or maybe this photo is just an eerie foreshadowing of Brit's darker days ahead...poorly kept weave and all. I mean, she definitely looks a little crazy right? Less future superstar, and more "I'll never tell..."

Can you tell I don't have SHIT to blog about? Still, I probably would've slid this in eventually.

Jamie Foxx’s "Intuition" is as Unnecessary as the Rest of His Music Career

This won't be a review of Jamie Foxx's latest disc Intuition. I've spent some time with the album, and it's neither bad nor good. In fact, much like his last album, it's just sort of there. It doesn't move me nearly enough to constitute a full review, and that's probably the reason I just can't help but to think that there's no real reason for Foxx to be releasing music at all.

Jamie's talent is obvious, but his music is boring. Intuition is nothing more than a bunch of Dream leftovers, with some T-Wayne thrown in for guaranteed single potential. While first single Just Like Me is enjoyable, it's nothing that you haven't heard before, and the T.I. feature just makes it stand out even less from the rest of what's on pop and R&B radio stations today. I know Jamie's been dipping in and out of music for years, but if he can't offer any sort of originality to the game, what purpose does he serve?

There's nothing wrong with being a safe artist. Bobby Valentino plays it consistently safe, and still managed to deliver a surprisingly strong, if slept on, sophomore album with Special Occasion. But there's a difference between safe and trite, and Jamie Foxx is as commonplace as a TMZ crotch shot.

I suppose Jamie's success only bothers me because stronger male artists don't garner a fraction of his attention. In addition to Valentino, other artists like Trey Songz and Sammie are hardly moving half the units Foxx does, despite doubling him in quality. And if you're looking for someone closer to Foxx in age, then Eric Benet is certainly someone who outshines Foxx in terms of material, but lags far behind in sells.

I'm not arguing that Foxx's success is in direct relation to other artists' failures, just that it isn't deserved. Yes, he can sing and is Julliard trained, but he hardly puts either skill to respectable use on Intuition.

And yeah, I said Sammie.

Christmas Music Bothers Me

I"ll never understand why Vanessa Williams' Save The Best For Last has become an unofficial R&B Christmas Carol. When I used to work at Macy's during the holidays the song would pop up somewhere between This Christmas and Deck the Halls faithfully, and it just doesn't make sense. Outside of "sometimes the snow comes down in June" there's nothing at all Christmas related in the song, and I'm not even sure that line counts because, you know, it's June. I suppose it's because Williams decided to re-release the song as a Christmas single following it's original success, with a new snow-themed video and all, which to me just qualifies it as a holiday hustle, not a tree-trimming classic.

At least Best For Last is a good song. I've always believed that even the best artists should leave Christmas music alone, whether it be creating original tracks for the holidays, or reworking classics. There's nothing worse than a culturally appropriated Christmas Carol. "On the 8th day of Christmas my baby gave to me a pair of Chloe shades and diamond belly ring." Uh, no. I love TLC, but I hated their '92 Christmas song and video, and I just don't think it's ever appropriate to rock condoms with a holiday stocking. Mariah Carey's All I Want For Christmas Is You doesn't do it for me either, and that's one of her biggest hits.

The all time worst Christmas cover belongs to Ashanti, who in five minutes manages to ruin every Christmas carol you've ever held dear. The video is even worse. It's one of those clips that leaves you stuck in a moment of wondering if this is really happening, or if you're having a holiday hallucination. Otherwise, I like Ashanti.

A few Christmas songs that I'll always love: the Eagles' version of Please Come Home For Christmas is something I'll still listen to in June (while it's snowing, right Vanessa?). Silent Night as sung by Boyz II Men is a beautiful thing. And saving the best for last (ding!), Donny Hathaway's This Christmas is clearly THE timeless Christmas classic.

Oh, and Little Drummer Boy is a song that no one can mess up.

Here's Ashanti's Christmas randomness.




That Santa's sled scene is a mess.

Nope, This Can't Be Good

Ne-Yo is probably one of the best R&B song writers to come around since Babyface. The man is a genius. His biggest talent is his ability to retain a signature sound from song to song, while still catering toward the individual artist's talent, so that songs like Irreplaceable are as big a hit for him as they are for artists like Beyonce. That's a hustle that'll keep him paid long after people realize that his own albums aren't nearly as interesting (which again make him comparable to Babyface).

That being said, I hate that he feels the need to cover his own songs, even going as far as to release an answer to both Irreplaceable and Take A Bow. To me that's the apex of arrogance, and really just boring. I don't wanna hear "to the right, to the right." What does that even mean? Are you moving your shit back in the house, or just scooting it to a different corner?

Janet Jackson's Can't B Good from this year's Discipline was written and produced by Ne-Yo. It's the best ballad Janet has recorded in years. It's perfectly suited for her barely-there vocals, and perhaps purposely reminiscent of her brother's Human Nature. There's a resistant optimism in Janet's voice that matches the song's subject matter perfectly, and the pace of the production is right on point.

In the biggest non-surprise of the year, Ne-Yo leaked his version of the same song, and it just doesn't work at all. Ne-Yo's voice is not suited for this song, and maybe that's just because I heard Janet sing it first. That's not to say that Ne-Yo can't sing, in fact it's probably more to say that Janet can't (at least she doesn't really try to anymore). Where Janet seems vulnerable or hesitant, Ne-Yo is straightforward and even a bit uncomfortable. You need an airy vocal to suit Can't B Good, and Janet has that department on lock.

But, as is clear by now, I'm a Janet groupie ( a respectable groupie, as I recognize that she doesn't always get everything quite right) so maybe it's just me.

Here are both versions for you to decide.

Janet "Can't B Good"

Ne-Yo "This Can't Be Good"

Always listen, never download...

Will Smith’s Seven Pounds Sucks

While on Oprah to promote Seven Pounds, Will Smith said that he's decided to make sure that everything he does in his life since turning 40 is done with purpose. Clearly he signed on for Seven Pounds while he was still 39.

Will Smith has become so pretentious in his success. There's no way he read the script for Seven Pounds and thought that the film was at all necessary to complete. Despite it's more than two-hour runtime, the film manages to accomplish absolutely nothing of relevance. Sure, the sentiment is nice, but the logic is non-existent, and in the end Seven Pounds only seeks to further satisfy Smith's desperate Oscar ambitions.

Don't get me wrong, Smith is an exceptional actor. He's shown an almost remarkable amount of growth since his Fresh Prince days, and has become one of the most dependable leading men of contemporary cinema. But sadly for Smith, dependable has become nearly synonymous with predictable, as the actor increasingly relies on the same roles in the same films to sustain his level of box office success. Seven Pounds is The Pursuit of Happyness. The logistics may differ, but the aim is still the same, and so is Smith's onscreen presence.

Seven Pounds isn't a bad film, it's just not the film as advertised. It's not even the film that it thinks it is. While trailers and interviews will have you believe that Seven Pounds is a life-changing (or affirming) tour de force, in reality it's just a predictable waste of time. Perhaps it would be easier to take the film as is, disregarding all of the hype and pretense, if it didn't take itself as seriously as it does. The plot creeps along tediously as if it's satisfying you with every second, offering brief bits of foreshadowing via flashbacks (a la I Am Legend), before abruptly climaxing all over the place, and inevitably only getting itself off. In that regard, it's like paying to watch someone masturbate…for hours.

As for anyone looking to see Will Smith "change his life in 7 seconds," trust me, it's hardly worth wasting your own for two hours. If you're paying attention from the beginning, the film's twist ending is obvious within the first 30 minutes, and even if you haven't figured it out by the time it happens, you'll retroactively realize you were giving the film too much credit, and the ending is as predictable as you told yourself it couldn't be.

Rosario Dawson turns in a very strong performance, and further demonstrates why she's one of the most underrated actresses of the moment. She's too good for this film. Hell, even the dog that accompanies her ailing character is too good for this mess. Dawson's career has barely recovered from the last time she co-starred with Smith in Men in Black II, and I'm not sure she'll survive round two.

I knew I should have saved $7.50 for Benjamin Button.

The CW’s 90210 Remake Needs to Get Laid

I've been waiting for the CW's new incarnation of 90210 to grow on me, and it just hasn't. It's been three months and a third of a season, and I'm still bored as all hell. Even Shannen Doherty and reformed slut Jennie Garth can't save this mess.

It's difficult to pinpoint exactly what's wrong with 90210's redux, but I suppose the easy answer is its lack of remotely engaging characters or plot lines. While I may be turning 22 in just a few days, I don't think I'm too far removed from high school to appreciate a little quality teenage angst; yet I don't find myself relating to 90210 at all. It bothers me that major plot developments occur via text message, that 40-something parents act as mature as 16-year-olds, and that the show's writers assume that their audience is as self-involved and vapid as its characters...which is probably true, but still. Honestly, Degrassi does a better job of recreating the original 90210's appeal, and does so with a cast that isn't nearly as attractive.

While I won't go back and forth about what makes the original 90210 so much better than the contemporary version, mostly because the list is so exhaustive and I don't have the energy to paraphrase it, I will point out the most obvious difference between the two: Sex. Back in 1990, Dylan, Brenda, and the rest of the crew were getting it in; in 2008, not so much. I understand that in a post-7^th Heaven era, where the Jonas Brothers are hot because they're keeping the goodies on lock, it's sort of cute for TV teens to take it slow, and I'm cool with that, to an extent. Yes, Felicity might have gone to college a virgin, while Buffy and Dawson took some time to give it up, but eventually even that Gilmore Girl cashed in her v-card for a more exciting story arch, and all of these shows came equipped with far more substance than 90210.The show's premier episode opened with a parking lot blowjob, and we haven't seen shit else since.

Really, I don't want to hear arguments about sex on teen-targeted television shows influencing adolescents to engage in irresponsible behavior. I was a WB fiend back in my day, and still managed to think for myself when it came to matters of importance. If Gossip Girl can depict high school juniors sipping cocktails during lunchtime to rave reviews, then 90210 can give Tristan Wilds some play; or at least some balls, because his character is softer than a memory-foam mattress.

Though the addition of Lauren London to the show as a bisexual cheerleader chasing after Dixon (too easy) seems hardly original, I'm hoping that it'll breathe some much needed life into the show's otherwise stale storylines.

I say the writers slowly bring back the original cast, one has-been at a time, so that by the beginning of the second season we can pretend like the past year never happened, and Tori Spelling never left.

In other news, former Full House star, and current 90210 mom Lori Laughlin looks fly, even in hi-def. Aunt Becky is still killing the game, well into her 40s.

This Can’t Be Life, There’s Gotta Be More

Keyshia Cole went and fucked up one of my favorite Mary J. Blige songs, and brought Lil' Wayne along to add insult to injury.

I won't comment on the situation too much, as I'm actually a fan of Cole; but this cover is not a good look. The charm of Blige's I Love You lies in its ability to remain mournfully reminiscent while still managing to radiate with a sense of optimism not present throughout most of the other tracks on My Life. Cole's version is vacant and shallow, and inevitably vulgar thanks to Wayne's unnecessary contribution. She lacks the vulnerability of Blige's original vocals, and the track ultimately feels inauthentic and disappointing.

Besides, isn't Keyshia still too eclipsed by Mary's shadow to be trying to revel in it?

"How I used to fuck you, and how you fought back"

For real? I'm so sick of this dude.

Click here to listen to Mary's I Love You

Click here to listen to Keyshia's fuckery