The CW’s 90210 Remake Needs to Get Laid

I've been waiting for the CW's new incarnation of 90210 to grow on me, and it just hasn't. It's been three months and a third of a season, and I'm still bored as all hell. Even Shannen Doherty and reformed slut Jennie Garth can't save this mess.

It's difficult to pinpoint exactly what's wrong with 90210's redux, but I suppose the easy answer is its lack of remotely engaging characters or plot lines. While I may be turning 22 in just a few days, I don't think I'm too far removed from high school to appreciate a little quality teenage angst; yet I don't find myself relating to 90210 at all. It bothers me that major plot developments occur via text message, that 40-something parents act as mature as 16-year-olds, and that the show's writers assume that their audience is as self-involved and vapid as its characters...which is probably true, but still. Honestly, Degrassi does a better job of recreating the original 90210's appeal, and does so with a cast that isn't nearly as attractive.

While I won't go back and forth about what makes the original 90210 so much better than the contemporary version, mostly because the list is so exhaustive and I don't have the energy to paraphrase it, I will point out the most obvious difference between the two: Sex. Back in 1990, Dylan, Brenda, and the rest of the crew were getting it in; in 2008, not so much. I understand that in a post-7^th Heaven era, where the Jonas Brothers are hot because they're keeping the goodies on lock, it's sort of cute for TV teens to take it slow, and I'm cool with that, to an extent. Yes, Felicity might have gone to college a virgin, while Buffy and Dawson took some time to give it up, but eventually even that Gilmore Girl cashed in her v-card for a more exciting story arch, and all of these shows came equipped with far more substance than 90210.The show's premier episode opened with a parking lot blowjob, and we haven't seen shit else since.

Really, I don't want to hear arguments about sex on teen-targeted television shows influencing adolescents to engage in irresponsible behavior. I was a WB fiend back in my day, and still managed to think for myself when it came to matters of importance. If Gossip Girl can depict high school juniors sipping cocktails during lunchtime to rave reviews, then 90210 can give Tristan Wilds some play; or at least some balls, because his character is softer than a memory-foam mattress.

Though the addition of Lauren London to the show as a bisexual cheerleader chasing after Dixon (too easy) seems hardly original, I'm hoping that it'll breathe some much needed life into the show's otherwise stale storylines.

I say the writers slowly bring back the original cast, one has-been at a time, so that by the beginning of the second season we can pretend like the past year never happened, and Tori Spelling never left.

In other news, former Full House star, and current 90210 mom Lori Laughlin looks fly, even in hi-def. Aunt Becky is still killing the game, well into her 40s.